[ of course he's gone and probably gotten himself in homoerotic, probably adulterous in nature fights already. at least, snake assumes. there's a quirk of his brow when he responds. ]
I spend a lot of time bleeding. ...S'not nearly as bad as back pains, anyway.
[ ahem. ] It isn't like there's been a lot of sunsets and sunrises since we've been here, Raiden. Fighting for sport or pissing people off?
Not much different from me when you think about it.
[ there comes something of a sigh. ]
I need someone to keep me in check. It’s for the best. But my body...my body didn’t like what happened. The wounds, they were practically screaming in pain. That doesn’t happen to me often.
[ got a lot of strangers playing upkeep for you, raiden. not sure how that'll pan out. maybe he's just a paranoid old son of a gun. meryl did call him senile... snake doesn't say anything, of course. ]
Haven't exactly gotten in a fight since the forest, so I couldn't tell you what getting injured feels like post-wound. But I'll say you gave me a pretty hard squeeze just now. I'd ask if you were afraid to let go of me, but I don't doubt you'd do a repeat.
It’s not just fighting that feels bad. Walking did too — thinking back on the forest, I sustained more injuries than you did, so...it only makes sense.
[ the forest. raiden shifts about uncomfortably. ]
Do you...do you remember what I was like? Before we blacked out.
[ the shift is noted with a glance, but nothing more. ]
I do. Why do you ask? [ if he were pressed, he'd imagine someone else would call it a cool entrance. it took him back to the fight with vamp, with gekko, when they'd plucked naomi up from the enemy and took her back to the normandy. raiden's got that hero streak in him, whether he believes in it or not. anyone with eyes can see it. he just ends up being that guy. what matters most is how he feels about it...
snake shakes his head. ] Don't tell me you thought you were "cool."
[ raiden narrows his eyes irritably before shaking his head, a hand resting against his hip. ]
No, that’s not it. I went berserk, Snake.
[ a silence follows, like he’s mulling over how exactly to verbalize this. as he leans back against the sink— ]
Jack is back.
[ ... ]
I mean, I... [ a sigh. ] I...have these shifts. Where Jack takes over. The part of me that loves...to kill. The one who grew up in Liberia. When things get to be too much for me, he takes over, and it’s like I lose all control. He’s probably who I really am, deep down but...that was what happened. My voice gets different. My speech patterns change. And more than anything, I need to be knee deep in blood — or else.
It’s been like this for awhile before I got here. Eiko...she’s good enough at tempering me, but it doesn’t always work. Everyone else here can hardly deal with having someone else in their head...but for me? Heh. Was already fucked up before I got here, no demon needed. She’s done me a solid in her own way if anything.
[ the tension leaves his body taut and uncomfortable. it shows. ]
[ he listens, attentive, gaze centered on raiden. a difficult tale, but one he sees himself in. snake doesn't say that. as always, he picks his words the same way someone might pick apples. ]
You told me. [ but not to this extent. it sounds like a dissociative issue, and were they in possession of medical attention, he'd ask for the help of a doctor. but this, too, is ptsd, and he's seen his fair share of it, talked about it, experienced it. raiden says it's not new to him, but snake said it wasn't either. ] I know. [ it's probably not very consoling. he's not very sure raiden's looking for consolation, either. he's an adult man, now, almost as old as snake is. the gap between them has tightened, and in some ways, he genuinely believes raiden has surpassed him. even this much, this conversation, the admissions, proves that.
snake doesn't mention his own history. he doesn't see a need to; he brushes over that apple tree. it's unimportant. ]
It's not as uncommon as you think. I had a hunch when you told me "Jack is dead." but the confirmation is as good as it's going to get.
[ he grunts, soft, almost as if he's going to continue. ]
Why are you telling me this?
[ it isn't accusatory. it's the same tone one might have if they were to instead ask "what do you need me to do?" ]
[ does he know, though? does he really? despite everything — snake is still a hero in his eyes. still so much more than a dirty mistake left behind in the world.
raiden's eyes drift, settling onto a stray table as his shoulders stiffen with an exahle. ]
Because Jack is back. And if he loses control, you might have to keep him in check.
[ raiden turns his chin up slightly, his gaze hard with tension as he meets snake's eyes. ]
And I... I guess I don't want to hurt you either. It's a possibility that I can't ignore. A part of me...is still struggling to believe that you're here — that this is... [ he swallows. for a fleeting moment, their surroundings morph into that bland, beige walls of big shell. ] That this is real.
[ raiden's response is understandable. it's a thought he'd had before, once upon a time, before meryl— when she had asked him for his name and he had conceded to the idea of him. the legend of solid snake. he didn't need anything or anyone and the idea that someone might want to get to know him for himself wasn't scary. it just struck him as dangerous. he felt dangerous. he was on the battlefield and there was only need for a weapon out there.
so he doesn't speak at first. snake just lets the nostalgia of raiden's words wash over him. instead, he looks downcast, brows knitted together. for a moment too long, he looks and feels old. decisively does he stand and close the distance between the two of them, placing his hands on raiden's shoulders with a meaningful gaze.
he'll do what he has to do, but he trusts in raiden, too.
but he smiles, a little. ]
You've got better to do than daydream about me. [ "about an old man," he almost says. playful, despite the tone of the conversation. ]
[ raiden's shoulders tense beneath his touch; the warmth doesn't register the way it would have 10 years ago. but it's there, emanating through layers of metal and synthetic flesh. boyishly, raiden looks away.
"you'd be surprised." ]
Sounds exactly like what a hallucination would say. [ he's joking — to some degree. ]
[ he's not somber, not factual; forceful in his statement. ]
Raiden, this is what they do to people. They raise you in it so you don't know better. So you're born on the battlefield, made for it like a gun is made to kill. Then they take away your chances, make sure you never get the tools you need to make it anywhere else but on the stage they pick for you. [ just like when they forced him away, even when he said his dogs needed him, that he had a normal life, a place to go back to; none of that was in the file they had on solid snake. it had to go. the man for the legend. ] No jobs for cyborgs, right? Made sure you had no choice but to keep working on the battlefield. For them. But they didn't account for is yourself. Your morals, your thoughts, your desires... even Jack is something like like that. They can't take even him away from you.
[ and while he's not going to say that's a good thing, jack is still part of raiden. that bloodlust, the desire to kill, will always be there. what's the point of lying to someone who would know it was bogus? ]
They didn't think you could change. But you did, and you can.
[ in this moment, raiden has reverted back to a 26 year old man, eyes clouded with doubt — or the 31 year old man, the one who was desperate and tearful and searching for something, for anything to keep him tethered to this world. there are traces of those men present in his features, ghosts of the past reanimating as he listens in silence.
raiden's jaw shifts and clicks. his brows cinch and his eyelids squeeze shut before his head raises as snake is about to leave. ]
Because of you.
[ his voice is strained and high, practically on the verge of giving out. he has to say this now. he doesn't know if snake has any object permanance, if he's going to fade and wither into dust the second he's left this room. ]
I changed because of you, Snake.
[ a beat. ]
I've got my own things to take care of now. But you're always going to be one of them.
[ he pauses with his hand on the doorknob, ready to retreat to his own room and probably have a shitty meal of empty calories. jack speaks, though, like he's holding onto something precious; his last bit of truth.
so snake stands, turned at the hip, looking down at him with an impassive, simple expression, half cast in shadows.
it's a mutual declaration, he supposes. raiden hasn't changed, but he's matured. become something more of the man snake knew he could be. ]
I won't prove to you that I'm real.
[ he pauses, shaking his head. ]
I don't need to. If you mean that... you'll see it before long.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
I spend a lot of time bleeding. ...S'not nearly as bad as back pains, anyway.
[ ahem. ] It isn't like there's been a lot of sunsets and sunrises since we've been here, Raiden. Fighting for sport or pissing people off?
no subject
[ ugh. ]
He was stalking me.
no subject
[ he loves when he gets to say garbage like that. ]
Hm. A real, old-fashioned stalker? What's the guy like? Good amount of people who don't look too used to fending for themselves around here...
no subject
hard. ]
Like a samurai. Dark hair that goes down to his shoulders, purple robes...
I wouldn’t worry about him. He...was just looking for the same thing I was: a fight.
no subject
Give me a break. [ you set yourself up for it. ]
So a guy who showed up and immediately wanted a fight, huh? Sounds like there's issues there.
[ REPRESSED ones. ]
no subject
[ there comes something of a sigh. ]
I need someone to keep me in check. It’s for the best. But my body...my body didn’t like what happened. The wounds, they were practically screaming in pain. That doesn’t happen to me often.
no subject
Haven't exactly gotten in a fight since the forest, so I couldn't tell you what getting injured feels like post-wound. But I'll say you gave me a pretty hard squeeze just now. I'd ask if you were afraid to let go of me, but I don't doubt you'd do a repeat.
no subject
[ the forest. raiden shifts about uncomfortably. ]
Do you...do you remember what I was like? Before we blacked out.
no subject
I do. Why do you ask? [ if he were pressed, he'd imagine someone else would call it a cool entrance. it took him back to the fight with vamp, with gekko, when they'd plucked naomi up from the enemy and took her back to the normandy. raiden's got that hero streak in him, whether he believes in it or not. anyone with eyes can see it. he just ends up being that guy. what matters most is how he feels about it...
snake shakes his head. ] Don't tell me you thought you were "cool."
no subject
No, that’s not it. I went berserk, Snake.
[ a silence follows, like he’s mulling over how exactly to verbalize this. as he leans back against the sink— ]
Jack is back.
[ ... ]
I mean, I... [ a sigh. ] I...have these shifts. Where Jack takes over. The part of me that loves...to kill. The one who grew up in Liberia. When things get to be too much for me, he takes over, and it’s like I lose all control. He’s probably who I really am, deep down but...that was what happened. My voice gets different. My speech patterns change. And more than anything, I need to be knee deep in blood — or else.
It’s been like this for awhile before I got here. Eiko...she’s good enough at tempering me, but it doesn’t always work. Everyone else here can hardly deal with having someone else in their head...but for me? Heh. Was already fucked up before I got here, no demon needed. She’s done me a solid in her own way if anything.
[ the tension leaves his body taut and uncomfortable. it shows. ]
If you see him again, just...know that.
no subject
You told me. [ but not to this extent. it sounds like a dissociative issue, and were they in possession of medical attention, he'd ask for the help of a doctor. but this, too, is ptsd, and he's seen his fair share of it, talked about it, experienced it. raiden says it's not new to him, but snake said it wasn't either. ] I know. [ it's probably not very consoling. he's not very sure raiden's looking for consolation, either. he's an adult man, now, almost as old as snake is. the gap between them has tightened, and in some ways, he genuinely believes raiden has surpassed him. even this much, this conversation, the admissions, proves that.
snake doesn't mention his own history. he doesn't see a need to; he brushes over that apple tree. it's unimportant. ]
It's not as uncommon as you think. I had a hunch when you told me "Jack is dead." but the confirmation is as good as it's going to get.
[ he grunts, soft, almost as if he's going to continue. ]
Why are you telling me this?
[ it isn't accusatory. it's the same tone one might have if they were to instead ask "what do you need me to do?" ]
no subject
raiden's eyes drift, settling onto a stray table as his shoulders stiffen with an exahle. ]
Because Jack is back. And if he loses control, you might have to keep him in check.
[ raiden turns his chin up slightly, his gaze hard with tension as he meets snake's eyes. ]
And I... I guess I don't want to hurt you either. It's a possibility that I can't ignore. A part of me...is still struggling to believe that you're here — that this is... [ he swallows. for a fleeting moment, their surroundings morph into that bland, beige walls of big shell. ] That this is real.
no subject
so he doesn't speak at first. snake just lets the nostalgia of raiden's words wash over him. instead, he looks downcast, brows knitted together. for a moment too long, he looks and feels old. decisively does he stand and close the distance between the two of them, placing his hands on raiden's shoulders with a meaningful gaze.
he'll do what he has to do, but he trusts in raiden, too.
but he smiles, a little. ]
You've got better to do than daydream about me. [ "about an old man," he almost says. playful, despite the tone of the conversation. ]
no subject
"you'd be surprised." ]
Sounds exactly like what a hallucination would say. [ he's joking — to some degree. ]
Just...[ a sigh. ] be careful, alright?
no subject
[ he's not somber, not factual; forceful in his statement. ]
Raiden, this is what they do to people. They raise you in it so you don't know better. So you're born on the battlefield, made for it like a gun is made to kill. Then they take away your chances, make sure you never get the tools you need to make it anywhere else but on the stage they pick for you. [ just like when they forced him away, even when he said his dogs needed him, that he had a normal life, a place to go back to; none of that was in the file they had on solid snake. it had to go. the man for the legend. ] No jobs for cyborgs, right? Made sure you had no choice but to keep working on the battlefield. For them. But they didn't account for is yourself. Your morals, your thoughts, your desires... even Jack is something like like that. They can't take even him away from you.
[ and while he's not going to say that's a good thing, jack is still part of raiden. that bloodlust, the desire to kill, will always be there. what's the point of lying to someone who would know it was bogus? ]
They didn't think you could change. But you did, and you can.
[ snake pauses. ]
I'm next door. I'll be here.
[ "whenever you want or need" is implied. ]
no subject
raiden's jaw shifts and clicks. his brows cinch and his eyelids squeeze shut before his head raises as snake is about to leave. ]
Because of you.
[ his voice is strained and high, practically on the verge of giving out. he has to say this now. he doesn't know if snake has any object permanance, if he's going to fade and wither into dust the second he's left this room. ]
I changed because of you, Snake.
[ a beat. ]
I've got my own things to take care of now. But you're always going to be one of them.
no subject
so snake stands, turned at the hip, looking down at him with an impassive, simple expression, half cast in shadows.
it's a mutual declaration, he supposes. raiden hasn't changed, but he's matured. become something more of the man snake knew he could be. ]
I won't prove to you that I'm real.
[ he pauses, shaking his head. ]
I don't need to. If you mean that... you'll see it before long.